Why the Best Coaching Conversations Don’t Feel Like Coaching  

Alastair Aird, Positive Group Chairman & Executive Coach 

Most leaders who come to coaching already know what needs to change. They know they need to delegate more, have the difficult conversation sooner, stop absorbing the team’s anxiety and start redirecting it. The knowledge is not the problem. The gap between knowing and doing is, understanding why that gap exists, and what it takes to close it, is where the science of coaching begins. 

Every executive coach has experienced the temptation to solve the problem. A CEO describes a difficult board relationship. An entrepreneur is wrestling with a major business decision. An experienced executive knows exactly what they should do but somehow cannot make themselves do it. Our instinct is often to provide insight, challenge or advice. 

Yet my own experience has taught me that the most transformational coaching conversations rarely begin with better questions. They begin with a better relationship. 

What the science of behaviour change tells us about coaching  

One of the most influential behavioural change methodologies of the last forty years, Motivational Interviewing was developed not in business but in addiction treatment. What surprised researchers was that lasting behavioural change was not driven primarily by persuasion or expert advice. It emerged when practitioners created a relationship characterised by empathy, collaboration and genuine curiosity. 

This finding is remarkably relevant to executive coaching. Research consistently shows that people are far more likely to sustain change when motivation comes from within rather than from external pressure. Self-Determination Theory, developed by Ryan and Deci, suggests that lasting motivation depends on three psychological needs being met: autonomy, competence and relatedness. In a coaching context, the quality of the relationship is one of the primary mechanisms through which behavioural change occurs. 

The space to hear yourself differently 

I experienced this first-hand with an entrepreneur who had built a successful hospitality business. Commercially successful, he described himself as someone who repeatedly sabotaged his own progress. In an early session, eager to apply a new technique, I introduced a Motivational Interviewing tool designed to explore his readiness for change. It failed. I had been so focused on the technique that I had neglected the relationship itself. 

In later sessions I deliberately slowed down. Instead of searching for solutions, I concentrated on reflective listening, empathy and creating enough psychological safety for him to explore his own thinking. Towards the end of one session, he said something I have never forgotten: 

“You weren’t really asking me questions. You were making me ask myself questions I’d been avoiding.” 

That moment fundamentally changed my understanding of what coaching is for. 

A second client reinforced the same lesson. A senior executive in the technology sector had spent months describing her desire to leave an organisation where she no longer felt valued. The obvious coaching agenda was whether she should stay or go. Instead, we explored the relationships around her, particularly how they affected her confidence and her sense of autonomy. As trust developed, it became clear that the real barrier was not the organisation. It was the assumptions she carried about needing approval before making major decisions. 

Behavioural change emerged not because I persuaded her of anything, but because the coaching relationship gave her the space to hear herself differently. 

What this means in practice  

Executive coaching is often portrayed as challenging conversations and incisive questions. Those things matter. But they only become effective when built on a foundation of empathy, trust and genuine partnership to create the conditions for people to feel safe enough to examine the assumptions they would otherwise defend. 

This is what distinguishes coaching that produces lasting change from coaching that produces a good conversation. The techniques are important, but the relationship is the vehicle through which they work. 

Want to explore cognitive behavioural coaching further? Join us for The Science of Coaching — our upcoming session with Dr Brian Marien and colleagues — or book a call directly with our team. 

Register here: From Insight to Impact: The Science of Behaviour Change in Coaching – Positive Group