It’s not you, it’s me: exploring the role of emotional skills in building meaningful connections

“We see the world, not as it is, but as we are.”

– Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons in Personal Change.

The future skills revolution is leading the way when it comes to leaders of the future being more diverse and more psychologically grounded than ever before. All research points to success revolving around needing to be less ‘strategy experts’ and more ‘human experts’.

The World Economic Forum 2023 report outlines a series of key future skills, of which empathy and active listening, leadership and social influence, and dependability can be found in the top ten. However, to deliver on these connection-focused behaviours, it could be argued that we first need to be able to connect with – and better understand – ourselves. This is done through developing self-awareness – a quality that the most accomplished leaders embody (and that sits at number 8 in the World Economic Forum future skills list).

Self-awareness is grounded in emotional science and emotional skills, which broadly refers to the ability individuals have to be more aware of and to regulate their emotions. This isn't about reducing our emotional range, it's about having a greater sense of autonomy when it comes to our emotional responses.

It's easy to see how being better able to proactively boost your emotional state can positively impact how we connect with others, both inside and outside of work. As humans, we cannot not communicate. We are social animals, which is linked to the fact that our survival once relied upon being in groups. When we’re experiencing more negative emotions, such as stress, frustration or overwhelm, we see the world through a more negative lens, and this is quickly transferred within a group – really living the idea of 'it’s not you, it’s me'. Even if we think we’re doing a good job of faking it, from an evolutionary perspective our brains and bodies have evolved to react and interact with each other. You may have experienced it yourself – you enter a team meeting, someone is in a frosty mood and suddenly the whole meeting feels sour. We call this 'Social Wi-Fi'.

When it comes to establishing a more balanced and proactive mindset in the workplace, the first step is therefore to practise emotional awareness and consider how we can regulate our emotions in a way that will allow us to perform at our best, whilst also enhancing how we connect with the group.

All the research points to emotional literacy – being aware of our emotions and able to effectively regulate them – as being a foundational skill when it comes to connecting with others, and our data shows the same pattern. We found that when employees report having high levels of emotional awareness and regulation skills (score > 7 out of 10) they are 12% more able to share their honest thoughts with their colleagues, 10% more likely to make an effort to positively influence the emotions of colleagues, 9% more likely to perceive their relationship with their team-mates as being supportive and able to ideate and work collaboratively together, and 7% more likely to be compassionate to their team members during times of pressure (below).

This data and the surrounding literature reinforces the idea that when it comes to connecting with others – or disconnecting from them – emotions are the secret author. How we’re feeling and the filter we put on the world as a result of our emotions drive our interactions. As such, if we’re better able to down-regulate adverse emotional experiences and employ cognitive tools and techniques to proactively boost our emotional state, we’re also better able to connect with others. The benefits here are clear: our data shows that people who are able to regulate their emotions through a range of strategies and techniques have significantly better wellbeing and performance compared to those who are less effective at regulating their emotions. In particular, they report being significantly better able to cope with uncertainty (+25%) and show more confidence in their decision making (+21%; below).

Consider your own emotional regulation skills

Imagine you’re trying to push through on a challenging piece of group work with a tight deadline, but the task isn’t going as planned. What are your thoughts? As humans we have a tendency to catastrophise and doubt ourselves, which in turn uses up cognitive energy due to worry. It is our thoughts that are driving our negative emotions. This can create a vicious cycle, where our thinking maintains our negative emotional state, which in turn can be emitted out into our social environment and transferred throughout the group through emotional contagion. As such, it’s important for our own wellbeing as well as the wellbeing of those around us, that we have cognitive techniques in place, such as cognitive reappraisal, to draw upon during times of challenge.

Encourage feeling heard and supported within your team

During times of peak stress, when we need support, it is very normal to disconnect and retreat from others, but this is the opposite of what we should be doing. It can be difficult to go against our natural instincts, but next time you feel yourself retreating or see a team member doing the same, make an effort to reach out – for an in-person 1:1 if possible, or a virtual coffee break. This will not only force you to hit pause on that task but will also encourage social connection.

If a colleague reaches out during a high-pressure time, try to make time for them and practise active listening as part of your catch-up. All the elements of active listening encourage feelings of being heard and supported. Giving them the opportunity to externalise their thinking aligns with the benefits of cognitive reappraisal, and taking these steps can go a long way in fostering a culture of support and connection amongst colleagues, which will ultimately lead to enhanced performance and improved wellbeing.